Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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