Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
