The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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