I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
