Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
