just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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