I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I love how my cats smell like pot.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
