I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
