remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
