At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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