Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
