its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
