when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
