Welp...herpes.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
