can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
and you said cock pushups were impossible
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
