Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize