I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
