he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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