Four minutes until I can fart!
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
