i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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