My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize