alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize