I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
