Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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