Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
