Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
