I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
