She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
