I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
