Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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