If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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