Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
