just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
