I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Randomize
