the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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