she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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