overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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