I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
you never un-have a 4some
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
