For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
