im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
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