I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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