dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
