think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
