I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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