I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
