I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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