I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
