i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
