Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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