Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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