She is in my trunk
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
