Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
