So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
