So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
