so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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