it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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