So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
