i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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